Rushing life.

I was having these naafs-bothering-notions for like four years. My parents told me multiple times to see a therapist, not that anyone would actually take me there, and of course I am an unemployed-broke-‘adult’-whose driving permit expired a while back. I sound pretty dang pathetic. This was me a a couple months ago. Except the last part about the permit, I still don’t have one. 

All my life I loved lists and planning. Not the girly wedding planning stuff you only find out about in rom-coms , the kind that you see a crazy mute kid who is scribbling away in her one of few journals about her day, in mist of an unfinished poem she plagerized from the latest Shell Silverstein  back in the 90s. She was a cool child, not back then but now I’d definitely would want my future daughter to hang out with the old me- not old, young, one from the past, you get it. I’d only let my future daughter hang out with the child-me until the child-me was done with middle school. It’s not ’cause puberty; that happened way later. It’s because after middle school I got ugly (LOL idk what happened, seriously). 

Anyway, that’s a different post waiting to happen. So I planned my day every night. I was the kind of weirdo who would count how many hours they will get to sleep, what snacks I’d purchase from the ghetto deli, and I was ok with it. Simple things like this ended right after middle school. High school became a gateway to my insanity as a dumb butt teenager who was in the smart people classes. I started obsessing about grades and my future.

Then enter Undergrad, I started planning the worst things a newbie 18 yr old brown girl could start planning… Life. Something that includes other people, places, failure, and all things not under anything humans can control. Yup. The last couple years I was slowly hitting the bottom of my rock, not to be confused with my imaginary pet rock (lols just imagine me smacking the bottom of a rock. Seriously. Insanity.) 

I’m ok now. Alhumdulilah.  

So, which shoe should I get? See, my life is so unpredictable these days.

Obsession at its finest.

Hi all.

I know some of you might have gotten offended or annoyed on how ‘salty’ my posts have been lately. Its because my mouth has developed this sour taste from the world and its portrayed by how my attitude reflects how I am taking the events that have occurred in my life. I can’t deal. I just want to be alone, at least then I won’t be so lonely. I know, I am such a brat.

In other news, my body is decaying and my mind is melting.

I’ve been eating so bad…meaning, I have been eating the whole house while my parents are away. I feel sick. I’ll let you know my progress is by next week, on my oh-so-interesting-eating-habits, because thats always fun to read about. You get my vibe…I am not a happy person.

So, the title, as you have been waiting to be directed to is about my dangerous obsession with things, people, etc… through my life. As of now its basically whining over what I couldn’t have in the past and Gossip Girl. Yea, I am on season 6 now. It has died down. I think because I’ve been binge watching it for a long time now. I give myself breaks with all the youtube videos I try to catch up on in between a few episodes, but besides that I am a such a loser.  Still a living loser, in old wrinkly flesh. Eat me.

I have also been obsessed with those 10 sec bollywood videos on instagram. Nostalgia or whatever. Also that song from BajiRoa Mastani, Malhari. FAAT LOU LEE! Granted I didn’t like the movie, but that song is catchy even though I don’t understand it. Now, back to my insanity:  I get caught in the world of… what ifs and the whole ‘shoulda coulda woulda’ deal. I have created this endless spiral of depression where I sink in and I can’t seem to find anything positive  because all of that is lost in the past. I hate everything. BYE.

LOL. I will continue. I don’t have a friend to talk to or anyone I love. I am so close to losing my education and a means to support my family. I don’t want anyone else to be close to me. I have decided not to do anything and not to say anything until matters resolves…meaning until everything is ruined… not that anything was ever ok. The sad part is that what I wanted, noone else did. I can’t. Someone just pull the rug or trigger. LOL whatever that phrase is…i dont even know if its a real phrase.

You guys get it right? I am completely mad.

The time has come. Let the chaos begin.

or continue in my case.





‘Be around Happy People’

Ugh. Shut up. I’m so tired of hearing that (referring to the title). Most people correlate ‘happy’ as a person who and an obvious and constant-dumb-smile on their face. What about the ones whose faces are just ‘blah’ looking. You can find many people, including myself, with a face that ‘people shouldn’t be around’, just because it doesn’t appear to have a smile on 24/7, or at least when you see them for a mere minute in the hall. Come’on…we can be the most happiest people in the world even though its almost impossible to see it on our faces. RBF.
With that, what if these people are also soft spoken, because that’s how they were bought up…you know, like those who have respect for authority and would rather follow, and listen before chiming into a conversation, like me. Heck, they even made a ‘citizenship’ award for me in middle school for having the most respect for the teachers… I just never spoke in a crowd over three people, one being myself. Oh, and it took me years to speak up in front of an adult, even if I had to use the bathroom at school.

I am starting to think, like my parents, that I am suffering from ‘chronic depression’, unless I’m not… you know, being all calm and nonchalant about it, well maybe I’ve reached an acceptance phase, ah…idk. I have these major mood swings…wait Ill elaborate another time.

Anyway, people who don’t seem happy aren’t always sad, they’re probably thinking about stuff, or they’re super mellow, like me. I like to think of it as being really chill and minding-my-own-business type of person. Being around happy people is good, but being around positive people is better, unless they’re super obnoxious. That’s the worst.

This whole topic is a controversy to me, ’cause being around a person like me, you can always feel better about yourself (loool I’m not emo, I swear). I mean I’m not that ‘happy-go-dumb-annoying-lucky-person’ people refer to when they suggest who you should be around. Its not all negative…its called being real and maybe kind of confused in life, or a life crisis. All in all, the point is that everything is going to be ok. In Sha Allah. Just be around good people and those who are comfortable with being around you.

Vegan Mac and ‘Cheese’

So I don’t like eating real cheese, cause no matter how much oil, sugar, chocolate, and carbs I eat, real cheese just scares me. Its weird. So I used to eat Mac and cheese at school (up until high school really) and the cafeteria used to serve the most memorable Mac and cheese. Yea, its weird. Since I don’t like real cheese anymore, I needed to combine my macaroni with something…and pasta sauce doesn’t cut it. Did I  mention I don’t like tomatoes either (too mushy and eh).
Since I am moving back to NY for 6 months, I am forcing myself to finish all my food before leaving, so I don’t have to throw it out.
I usually buy two types of non-dairy cheese: a mozzarella flavored and a cheddar flavor. The first one usually finishes first, so I used the ‘cheddar’ flavored cheese slices (I think it was the Trader Joe brand).


I know it doesn’t look appealing in the picture, that’s because my phone is out dated. For real tho, even certain apps don’t let me in (ahem, snapchat).

So here’s the ingredient list:

  • -hand full (I made it for myself only) of macaroni (any will do, I used whole wheat)
  • -1 tablespoon (or more, depends on how you like it) of garlic salt
  • -1 teaspoon of minced garlic
  • -2 teaspoons of thyme
  • -2 slices of any vegan cheese
  • -some nutritional yeast (I didn’t have any)
  • -a bit of almond milk (very little)
  • 1 teaspoon (or more) of vegan butter


  1. Boil some water, twice as much as the amount of macaroni. Add the macaroni until its cooked through. Don’t forget to add some salt for flavor and some vinegar so there isn’t a sticky-mushiness to it.
  2. Add some almond milk (or any other kind you’d like) to a pot on medium heat and let it simmer. Then add the butter and garlic salt, minced garlic, and thyme. Keep stirring until all is combined.
  3. Add the slices of cheese (can use more if you’d like) to the milk mixture and stir. Keep stirring until the milk has evaporated and you get a cheesy consistency.
  4. Add in the already made macaroni to the pot of cheese. Keep the heat on medium heat. Combine everything together and remove from the pot once you get a ‘mac and cheese look’. Sprinkle with nutritional yeast for more of a cheesy flavor and a boost of vitamins. Enjoy:)

* Note, some measurements might be a bit off, because like my mama, I don’t use measuring equipment.

** Make sure to do your own trail an error.



Not choosing a suitor

Hi readers, 

Here’s a topic that is more of self-help for my fellow gals, or a drop-dead shocker to all the aunti’s and old-controling-male-hags of the world. I used to write posts of love and marriage and how everything is so grand and blah blah blah bs.

Well, things change depending on circumstances and basically who you have chosen or who was chosen for you, and you being the best little goody two shoes of the household, agreed upon it. 


First off, you can already tell their lack of intelligence when they try to argue about the dumbest things like, oh so genetics isn’t a real thing or if cancer is real then how come people in the past never had it. All that nonsense that most people won’t have the energy to quarrel on. Like come on, try going to college first. Oh, and the best ones are those questions after you say the very normal words, “duration” or “convenience” followed by the true stupid questions “what do you mean, duration?”. Really? its a darn word…go look it up. 

Second, you’re living in this time era not the one of your zameen (land) in the 18th century. They’ll force you to be apart of their family…nothing is wrong with that except the word FORCE. No, you married that one person not the whole dang kandaan (family). They don’t take into account what type of person they are with, in terms of born and raised in a certain place, in a certain time.

Third, mentality at its finest. OLD. Today’s time and issues are different from way back then. Islam has made it so that people can accommodate on certain issues (not all but ones that take into account the place and time). Rulings and living, etc… Each has its place in life and should be followed. Stick to what you know is right and try NOT to compromise on things you know that are wrong. You might get in trouble with some things I’ve said here, so don’t listen to me for the most part (disclaimer). You’ll always be seen as the bad one, especially because of the cultural differences. Kill that culture if you don’t like it. It might kill you in the processes but so be it. Ha. I am already half way dead. 

Some advice, tell them to deal with it or leave. Of-course you won’t be able to directly, cause your mom, who is also sucked into the stupid social expectation and drama…from noone that really even cares. So you try it for a year, do whatever and hold up your own. When your family goes out of the country leaving you behind like a piece of trash, you drop those cherished words that you’ve been saving ever since two months in, “Like you said before, this isn’t working, you should talk to the parents”. 

Fourth, only go for someone who you fell in love with because no matter how ludicrous and old fashion they may be, you’ll always find a way to love them. But, if its arranged, just don’t do it   you should know what you will be dealing with… a slow death everyday . Heck, even the immigration lady predicted “it doesn’t look like its working out”. Lets see if that holds true. 

Love Cyrus. 


You know when you wanted something your whole life and suddenly it becomes so difficult you feel like you are either going to fall short of the qualities or just burn the light yourself. You can try but even despite your trying, you feel depressed none the less, what do you do then? Do you just quit and be scared of how your siblings/parents/husband/inlaws/relatives/friends/classmates will judge you and you’ll regret the decision you made. You’d feel incapable of anything, unable to provide for your parents or teach your kids, or even motivate/ guide your siblings to a brighter future, ’cause who are you to guide someone when you couldn’t follow through or keep up with a life time goal? Is being practical and ignoring your failure worth it or is it to try once more with chance of more depression/stress/failure ?