I was having these naafs-bothering-notions for like four years. My parents told me multiple times to see a therapist, not that anyone would actually take me there, and of course I am an unemployed-broke-‘adult’-whose driving permit expired a while back. I sound pretty dang pathetic. This was me a a couple months ago. Except the last part about the permit, I still don’t have one.
All my life I loved lists and planning. Not the girly wedding planning stuff you only find out about in rom-coms , the kind that you see a crazy mute kid who is scribbling away in her one of few journals about her day, in mist of an unfinished poem she plagerized from the latest Shell Silverstein back in the 90s. She was a cool child, not back then but now I’d definitely would want my future daughter to hang out with the old me- not old, young, one from the past, you get it. I’d only let my future daughter hang out with the child-me until the child-me was done with middle school. It’s not ’cause puberty; that happened way later. It’s because after middle school I got ugly (LOL idk what happened, seriously).
Anyway, that’s a different post waiting to happen. So I planned my day every night. I was the kind of weirdo who would count how many hours they will get to sleep, what snacks I’d purchase from the ghetto deli, and I was ok with it. Simple things like this ended right after middle school. High school became a gateway to my insanity as a dumb butt teenager who was in the smart people classes. I started obsessing about grades and my future.
Then enter Undergrad, I started planning the worst things a newbie 18 yr old brown girl could start planning… Life. Something that includes other people, places, failure, and all things not under anything humans can control. Yup. The last couple years I was slowly hitting the bottom of my rock, not to be confused with my imaginary pet rock (lols just imagine me smacking the bottom of a rock. Seriously. Insanity.)
I’m ok now. Alhumdulilah.