i have low self esteem
everyone hates me
they think i have the family curse
i have bad character
i am a show off
i use people
i have too many imperfections
i am a waste of time to be heard by any family member
i am bossy and unreasonable
i am depressed
i make everyone else around me depressed
i am physically and mentally unattractive
i don’t have family values
i am irresponsible
and not worthy of love.
this was not a poem.
I woke up at 5am [Yes, its that kind of post], and got ready. I had packed my suitcase the night before…’see, how clever I am’ (my Mom’s catch phrase, nvm you won’t get it). I got in the shuttle and got to the airport two hours early, cause that’s how excited, and cautious I am. I slept once I got home.
Tuesday: I ate alot of my mom’s cooking. Yummmmm. Oh, I realized I got fat. Boo.
Wednesday: I can’t remember what happened here…oh wait nvm. i went to my undergrad with my brother, to help him get motivated for his internship application and stuff. Insha Allah he will get spot.
Thursday: I saw a movie during this week but idk. My husband and I went to dinner to Cheesecake Factory in Jersey… loved their veggie burger!
Friday: Jummah! We went to Brooklyn and prayed Friday prayer and I spent the day at the in-laws home. Daal and kabobs tho! We saw a movie, ‘Kingsmen’…. not as good as anticipated. Boo.
Saturday: I slept, ate, and then my parents took all of us for dinner. We got there around 12am lol. The food was mad good though…chicken tikka!!! Oh and CHAI.
Sunday: I packed and now I’m waiting to board. See you in a few hours, Chicago. And we’re back to no-one-wants-to-talk-to-her-cause-her-bad-character.
Day #1, was OK. I tried to be productive and stuff. I went for a walk in my school. Came back, and cleaned my share of the cleaning. Took out my room’s trash and vacuumed, sprayed my dresser and everything. Its a stress reliever. Oh, besides having a mental breakdown, crying my eyes out, and going on a verge of depression, I made food…eggs to be EGGxact.
The simple things, remember.
I took a shower, a-nice-warm-to-the-point-of-burning-steaming-hot-shower. Alhumdulilah, that felt nice.
I talked to my family, and they suggested I should come home, to NY. I gave in after much deliberation (insert Mufasa’s stern,tone), I booked my flight for the morning after. Then in celebration I made myself an apple, yogurt, cottage cheese ‘ parfait ‘. It doesn’t look appealing in an image form so yea. It was tasty.
I used to be so hopeful about everything before. Meaning not recently, as you know from the vibe we have been moping around here ever so often (for the past few months at least). Well, I try to be hopeful. I try. I do. I get frustrated every night. I am still trying. [Insert emo sighing].
Ways to be hopeful:
-Forcing yourself to think of the good…people have faults and I know I have a ton. Try to look past those faults, and instead figure out why they are doing what they are.
-Don’t let other people influence their opinions on you about another person. (Going back to the ‘advice’ above).
-Be independent. This makes you more likely to be able to care and make someone else happy.
-Give them time and space. When they want you in their space, step into it, only to give them your undivided attention.
-Put actions to your words.
-Remember God. Pray, and ask for contentment.
-Be creative and make yourself some food. It will help you appreciate the simple things in life.
-Talk about your issues and resolve them. Its better to hurt someone in the acute sense, then cause yourself and them too, chronic pain for the rest of your life.
-Take a trip some where. (Psht…I wish).
-Remember nothing lasts forever… not even hopelessness, if you try to be hopeful. I hope. (See what I did there hahah).
-If people start not liking your thoughts and don’t want to understand your methods, just because they defy the norms and stupid society, then that’s their problem.
-Do something productive everyday! I have a week to myself so I’ll post up daily blog entries to keep myself in check!
I know for the past ten posts I have been writing, it can be said that this place has become a burial ground for the negative. Well, too bad. JK.
So, some advice for anyone who would like to make me not so pessimistic:
-Surprise me…oh idk, send me a care package or something.
Last year, during finals week, yes its finals week for me right now as you already know I was so stressed and everything and then I got a collection of tea bags in the mail from Tea India! Oh, that made me so happy. (Just reminiscing)
That being said…here’s a lovely poem to bring us back to the latest theme of my blog:
I used to write all these things; ‘deep’, if that’s what you or I would call it, passages, or poems. Well, not really poems, because I think I had like one sincere admirer, my best friend. Anyway, so I used to write and think a lot. I still think a lot, but I used to think of thoughts pertaining to fantasy, imagination, dreams, things i wanted to accomplish that might seem impossible… because someone wanted to listen, as crazy as that sounds. That Person actually, or at least seemed to care…ugh now this is getting sad. I don’t know where I was going with this. Yea, so its 3:30am. Bed time!