Not choosing a suitor

Hi readers, 

Here’s a topic that is more of self-help for my fellow gals, or a drop-dead shocker to all the aunti’s and old-controling-male-hags of the world. I used to write posts of love and marriage and how everything is so grand and blah blah blah bs.

Well, things change depending on circumstances and basically who you have chosen or who was chosen for you, and you being the best little goody two shoes of the household, agreed upon it. 

Ill just say it now: NEVER GO FOR A FOREIGN BORN BROWN MALE.

First off, you can already tell their lack of intelligence when they try to argue about the dumbest things like, oh so genetics isn’t a real thing or if cancer is real then how come people in the past never had it. All that nonsense that most people won’t have the energy to quarrel on. Like come on, try going to college first. Oh, and the best ones are those questions after you say the very normal words, “duration” or “convenience” followed by the true stupid questions “what do you mean, duration?”. Really? its a darn word…go look it up. 

Second, you’re living in this time era not the one of your zameen (land) in the 18th century. They’ll force you to be apart of their family…nothing is wrong with that except the word FORCE. No, you married that one person not the whole dang kandaan (family). They don’t take into account what type of person they are with, in terms of born and raised in a certain place, in a certain time.

Third, mentality at its finest. OLD. Today’s time and issues are different from way back then. Islam has made it so that people can accommodate on certain issues (not all but ones that take into account the place and time). Rulings and living, etc… Each has its place in life and should be followed. Stick to what you know is right and try NOT to compromise on things you know that are wrong. You might get in trouble with some things I’ve said here, so don’t listen to me for the most part (disclaimer). You’ll always be seen as the bad one, especially because of the cultural differences. Kill that culture if you don’t like it. It might kill you in the processes but so be it. Ha. I am already half way dead. 

Some advice, tell them to deal with it or leave. Of-course you won’t be able to directly, cause your mom, who is also sucked into the stupid social expectation and drama…from noone that really even cares. So you try it for a year, do whatever and hold up your own. When your family goes out of the country leaving you behind like a piece of trash, you drop those cherished words that you’ve been saving ever since two months in, “Like you said before, this isn’t working, you should talk to the parents”. 

Fourth, only go for someone who you fell in love with because no matter how ludicrous and old fashion they may be, you’ll always find a way to love them. But, if its arranged, just don’t do it   you should know what you will be dealing with… a slow death everyday . Heck, even the immigration lady predicted “it doesn’t look like its working out”. Lets see if that holds true. 

Love Cyrus. 

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26 responses to “Not choosing a suitor

  1. Its a real mess i can imagine. Even though i have never been married but some older friends are and the same happened to them as they had lived in UK their whole life but had to marry a person from Pakistan’s rural area.

    Things doesn’t work you see, because if you love them then it can be a different story altogether, but if its staged up and you clearly can see no similarity in between them with you then its stupid to take that decision.

    Even though I am from Pakistan but just not brown enough because of my Afghan ancestry lol. Still its wrong to arrange marriage with someone who you dont want to, because that is the decision you should be making yourself and not someone else. Not in our world, because things don’t work like that.

    Islam is completely Okay with people living in West or anywhere basically, it doesn’t revolutionize the living of the people, rather it teaches them to live with respect in their current situation. I’m sorry but i believe it is the Backwardness of People to not coincide with west if they dont and Islam is the innocent boy 🙂

    Did you have a bad experience yourself or are you narrating someone else’s distraught?

  2. Oh wow! You got it so right here. I think at the end of the day if your minds are not compatible, it will never work! This is the main issue when education levels aren’t matching, or general common sense for that matter. I can relate to annoying questions, Before I got married I would hear those so frequently and wonder, “is this the crème de la crème I get to choose from?! *horrified face*” Kind of why I broke norms when getting married but that’s another story 🙂

      • Very true! I think the people who get hung up on “oh but what will the neighbours and society in general think” forget that at the wedding everyone will be there eating and drinking. But once you are living and having issues, no one will be there. We have to do it ourselves. So we might as well please ourselves instead of looking for other people’s approval.

      • Yea…unfortunately most parents don’t think that way and emotional blackmail the girl, in this case, even after to stay living with the problem.

  3. The lessons your friend has learned shines light on a painful narrative that many muslim women who were raised in the US or UK regardless of whether they were born there can relate to. The practice of *forced* arranged marriages is awful and should end which I’m sure no one of this century’s mindset would disagree with.

    Marrying a “foreign” born (assuming your friend is referring to someone not born in the US/UK) can carry a baggage of compatibility conflicts. Namely, these men are more grounded in and may endorse old, traditional *cultural* values which may not align with or even stem from religious values. They are used to seeing women in traditional gendered roles and thus may inherently have some patriarchal and misogynistic beliefs. They may also be less educated due to fewer opportunities or financial problems. Consequently, their work ethic and ambitions may even be less than yours. Can they even communicate in English with more than just a cursory understanding? I’ve only listed a few concerns here but there are several concerns that ultimately do not provide a solid foundation for marriage.

    However, do not assume that marrying a man from the UK/US is free from conflict/compatibility issues. What if you value religion more in your life than he does? What if you value your culture more than he does? Would you be okay with marrying someone who was white washed and doesn’t pray? There are other issues with marrying a guy who is from the UK/US but I won’t delve into them here.

    Contrary to what our generation believes, marriage is *not* just between two people. When you marry someone, you “marry” their whole family because in the desi/middle eastern culture kids are deeply dependent on their parents (spiritually, socially, etc). If you don’t want that then you obviously find someone of a similar mindset as yours. The foundation of a good marriage is respect, trust, and communication. Sure, love is important but if you choose to do an arranged marriage that can come later. Even if you marry for love, without respect, trust, and communication that marriage will not last.

    Now, the next question should be that regardless of where our prospective suitor was born or raised, how do you judge whether he is someone you can respect, trust, and communicate with? You observe. Watch how he interacts with his parents and other people in multiple settings if possible. Ask other people like neighbors or his acquaintances what they observed (not anyone particularly biased). Observe with the intent of answering: how does he treat the women in his life? how does he treat the less fortunate? do people in his life trust him with day to day tasks? Have conversations with him if you can to understand how he communicates in relationships. Does he speak freely of how he feels about things or does it feel like you’re talking to a wall? Knowing his taste in music, movies, books, etc can also tell you a lot about a person.

    Note: Sorry for the wall of text but this topic hits close to home. My cousin was in a similar situation.

    • It’s fine. I know most people are going through something similar. It’s hard to deal and accept things wer not used to or ideas and people we have to now be around for the rest of our life. Some find a way out, but sometimes there’s a risk. I don’t know if this still pertains to the topic.
      Ah… Life is messy . Babies have it so easy

      • It certainly does pertain to the topic. Marriage is another word for compromise to me. There is definitely a lot of adjusting to new people/ideas etc. I mean think about it. You’ve got siblings right? You love them so you put up with anything crazy they say or do. Now, if you barely know some random dude you get married to… it’s really hard to put up any BS he says or does. As far as a way out is concerned, you either learn to love ’em or you leave ’em. The risk is that society/family is going to disappointed in you or talk smack about you but honestly what matters more? Your happiness or other people’s? Life is too short to always think about other people. You have to put you first.

      • But wat if ur thinking about ur happiness for tht certain time… In the long run what will be more beneficial to you. You know like if it’s just tiny things that are annoying and can be easily fixed great… I feel lik it’s good to talk about and if someone gives u advice u want to hear at tht moment you should step back and wait a few days before making any major decisions. I found that this helped a lot. For me personally

      • Of course, no major decisions should be made on a whim. Marriage/divorce is no joke. You’re right. You should always give yourself time to process arguments and discuss them with an objective, unbiased party if necessary. The tiny things are easy to compromise on and if those are the only issues then communication and understanding between you and your partner is all you need. Now if it’s not a tiny issue but a deal breaker (e.g. having kids vs no kids, working, completing your education, etc)… staying in that relationship is just prolonging the inevitable.

  4. Depends upon what brown man you’re going for and what is his educational background. I know I am using the word educational background quite loosely as I have met utter morons with a Phd degree. That being said, there are people who understand what you’re going through and some of them are these foreign brown men you have stomped on.
    Yes, there are a lot of people with traditional values but to be honest any man who argues that AIDS is a western man made disease to eradicate the human population or how is cancer real, is a moron irrespective of where they come from. Yes, I know they may not have the same educational background but I am someone who stopped studying bio in Grade 7 and that too was about flowers etc. It all depends on a person’s attitude. I have seen people who have a basic middle school diploma, yet they show understanding and complexity far beyond those of doctoral students. They know how to LISTEN to someone else and aren’t self obsessed with their ideas. They know what it means to be wrong.
    As for the arranged marriage part, yes, I am against that for a very simple reason, people aren’t animals that you can tie them up with anyone you feel like. That being said, I have seen arranged marriages work as well but then again that has also prompted a culture of misogyny in our culture which has spawned several ideas and made many subjects taboo even amongst husbands and wives that quite honestly need to be discussed for a healthy life.
    Trust me, I have seen my closest friends go through this shit and it’s never pretty. They feel suffocated and just want out but lack the courage. I am not saying a person should jump out of the relation at the first sign of trouble but if in the long run all you can feel is pain and you fail to remember when was the last time you truly felt any form of happiness with the other person, it is time to seriously consider leaving everything behind. Yes, it may hurt and the stares of people haunt your existence but there will be some who will stand by you. Just limit your world to those individuals and say a big fuck you to everyone else.

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