I am trying to embrace the whole ‘living to the fullest’, in terms of me, obviously. And it’s great for the most part, until I realize it’s a cover up. Anyway, the hardest part is to keep your priorities straight. Also, if you can’t do anything about a situation, just don’t worry about it at the moment. Life’s easier and happier this way (for said time). For me at least.
So in this journey of my evolution into being a real (also known as a fake) person, I have experienced somethings I just didn’t want to. For example, I hate being near standing water. It makes me nauseous and I don’t like getting wet cause then if I get wet, my shoes will get wet and all the wet-ness will come inside my home, etc… I guess I don’t like the cleaning part of it. But whatevs. This summer when my brother came to visit Chicago, we actually kayaked ! It was awesome! And we had to run in the rain for a good mile or so. I didn’t care because I was living.
I wish I lived before when it would have made a difference. I feel like now I am just ‘living’ just to make the time go by or to ignore the feelings I simply cannot express anymore due to social constraints and such nonsense. Yea this post is about to get real emo. I thought I was taking ‘risks’ in the past, but when I really think about it, I kinda didn’t give it my all. To be honest, maybe it’s just that I am feeling lonely right now or for the past two years and counting. I can’t get those thoughts out of my stupid head.
Oh this is something that keeps me going:
It’s such a shame cause in the beginning of this post I am talking about living to the fullest and all that bs. But when a stranger asked me ‘what do you think about life’… I just blurted out ‘it’s too long’. I didn’t even take it back. I still don’t. I think it’s because maybe I am bored. I just smiled a bit cause ‘blah’ was good before, heck, I thought I was ‘blah’ but it was different because I was an appreciated ‘blah’ who felt loved and admired.
So many words left unspoken.
And the tie still unbroken.
Fighting the fight every day.
The tongue to never say.
Now the ‘blah’ is boring cause no one cares and I don’t care to be cared about. I hope you are still with me. I mean, ok ‘living life’ is all good and stuff, but is it ok to just live because you have to. Like I am just waiting to die now lol. Not suicidal, I promise. I mean, it’s boring now… I don’t find joy in who or what’s to come. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I feel empty.
Well, this just sounds like I am being a brat. I have plenty of love from my family, like my parents and my siblings and my friends. I am fine with that, but that’s all it is.
-Emo Eva foreva.