Live life.

I am trying to embrace the whole ‘living to the fullest’, in terms of me, obviously. And it’s great for the most part, until I realize it’s a cover up. Anyway, the hardest part is to keep your priorities straight. Also, if you can’t do anything about a situation, just don’t worry about it at the moment. Life’s easier and happier this way (for said time). For me at least. 

So in this journey of my evolution into being a real (also known as a fake) person, I have experienced somethings I just didn’t want to. For example, I hate being near standing water. It makes me nauseous and I don’t like getting wet cause then if I get wet, my shoes will get wet and all the wet-ness will come inside my home, etc… I guess I don’t like the cleaning part of it. But whatevs. This summer when my brother came to visit Chicago, we actually kayaked ! It was awesome! And we had to run in the rain for a good mile or so. I didn’t care because I was living. 

I wish I lived before when it would have made a difference. I feel like now I am just ‘living’ just to make the time go by or to ignore the feelings I simply cannot express anymore due to social constraints and such nonsense. Yea this post is about to get real emo. I thought I was taking ‘risks’ in the past, but when I really think about it, I kinda didn’t give it my all. To be honest, maybe it’s just that I am feeling lonely right now or for the past two years and counting. I can’t get those thoughts out of my stupid head.

Oh this is something that keeps me going:

It’s such a shame cause in the beginning of this post I am talking about living to the fullest and all that bs. But when a stranger  asked me ‘what do you think about life’… I just blurted out ‘it’s too long’. I didn’t even take it back. I still don’t. I think it’s because maybe I am bored. I just smiled a bit cause ‘blah’ was good before, heck, I thought I was ‘blah’ but it was different because I was an appreciated ‘blah’ who felt loved and admired. 

So many words left unspoken.

And the tie still unbroken.

Fighting the fight every day.

The tongue to never say.

Now the ‘blah’ is boring cause no one cares and I don’t care to be cared about. I hope you are still with me. I mean, ok ‘living life’ is all good and stuff, but is it ok to just live because you have to. Like I am just waiting to die now lol. Not suicidal, I promise. I mean, it’s boring now… I don’t find joy in who or what’s to come. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I feel empty.

Well, this just sounds like I am being a brat. I have plenty of love from my family, like my parents and my siblings and my friends. I am fine with that, but that’s all it is. 

 Signing off

-Emo Eva foreva. 


Post Eid 2016.

I went to this Eid expo thing the night before Eid and the results minus the ugly nail art:

it was OK

I made my friends watch a favorite movie of mine [which now might be replaced by ‘Mr.Right’. Hilarious]. It’s called ‘Gia’ from 1998, staring Angelina Joli. Ah but this time it felt like it was too slow or maybe I wasn’t fast forwarding it as much as the first time I saw AND decided it would be my favorite movie. Ugh, now I can’t call myself ‘artsy’, not that my nail art compliments my talent. Maybe I’m trying to hard to be artistic… 

This here is the one and only piece of —– [jk no cussing!] art I attempted and got so motivated and overly confident. The result, t -minus two years later: 

Ha, it even says the date I started. This is sad. Well, not really.

Since Ramadan has ended recently, I have found that I’ve been spending so much time thinking. Not the smart-person type of thinking. It’s more like the thinking a greedy-fatso type of person would do: Food. Ah. I can go on and on writing about my obsessions LINK.My recent obsession for the past week was OITNB mostly because Ruby Rose. DUH. 🌶

its Kawa

I had a couple of birthday outings and this was one of them. It was fun! And below is another birthday thing my friend took me out for. It’s a video of a fountain near downtown Chicago. I never knew it existed.

So far life is going good. Alhumdulilah. 


The last ten days.

In Sha Allah let’s all try to make the best of the last Ashra of Ramadan! I can’t believe it’s almost over. I feel like I have not met my goals. That is the worst feeling ever. Please forgive me if I have wronged or offended anyone who reads this stuff on my blog. Also thanks to everyone …for reading, not the getting offended part Lolz. 

I was going to go on and on about something but I forgot. Anyways, happy fasting, praying, and reaching those goals! And here’s to all my food fanatics:

You’re Welcome. Or sorry if you’re fasting! In my defense you should all know I post pictures of edible things. JK sorry!

Rushing life.

I was having these naafs-bothering-notions for like four years. My parents told me multiple times to see a therapist, not that anyone would actually take me there, and of course I am an unemployed-broke-‘adult’-whose driving permit expired a while back. I sound pretty dang pathetic. This was me a a couple months ago. Except the last part about the permit, I still don’t have one. 

All my life I loved lists and planning. Not the girly wedding planning stuff you only find out about in rom-coms , the kind that you see a crazy mute kid who is scribbling away in her one of few journals about her day, in mist of an unfinished poem she plagerized from the latest Shell Silverstein  back in the 90s. She was a cool child, not back then but now I’d definitely would want my future daughter to hang out with the old me- not old, young, one from the past, you get it. I’d only let my future daughter hang out with the child-me until the child-me was done with middle school. It’s not ’cause puberty; that happened way later. It’s because after middle school I got ugly (LOL idk what happened, seriously). 

Anyway, that’s a different post waiting to happen. So I planned my day every night. I was the kind of weirdo who would count how many hours they will get to sleep, what snacks I’d purchase from the ghetto deli, and I was ok with it. Simple things like this ended right after middle school. High school became a gateway to my insanity as a dumb butt teenager who was in the smart people classes. I started obsessing about grades and my future.

Then enter Undergrad, I started planning the worst things a newbie 18 yr old brown girl could start planning… Life. Something that includes other people, places, failure, and all things not under anything humans can control. Yup. The last couple years I was slowly hitting the bottom of my rock, not to be confused with my imaginary pet rock (lols just imagine me smacking the bottom of a rock. Seriously. Insanity.) 

I’m ok now. Alhumdulilah.  

So, which shoe should I get? See, my life is so unpredictable these days.

Obsession at its finest.

Hi all.

I know some of you might have gotten offended or annoyed on how ‘salty’ my posts have been lately. Its because my mouth has developed this sour taste from the world and its portrayed by how my attitude reflects how I am taking the events that have occurred in my life. I can’t deal. I just want to be alone, at least then I won’t be so lonely. I know, I am such a brat.

In other news, my body is decaying and my mind is melting.

I’ve been eating so bad…meaning, I have been eating the whole house while my parents are away. I feel sick. I’ll let you know my progress is by next week, on my oh-so-interesting-eating-habits, because thats always fun to read about. You get my vibe…I am not a happy person.

So, the title, as you have been waiting to be directed to is about my dangerous obsession with things, people, etc… through my life. As of now its basically whining over what I couldn’t have in the past and Gossip Girl. Yea, I am on season 6 now. It has died down. I think because I’ve been binge watching it for a long time now. I give myself breaks with all the youtube videos I try to catch up on in between a few episodes, but besides that I am a such a loser.  Still a living loser, in old wrinkly flesh. Eat me.

I have also been obsessed with those 10 sec bollywood videos on instagram. Nostalgia or whatever. Also that song from BajiRoa Mastani, Malhari. FAAT LOU LEE! Granted I didn’t like the movie, but that song is catchy even though I don’t understand it. Now, back to my insanity:  I get caught in the world of… what ifs and the whole ‘shoulda coulda woulda’ deal. I have created this endless spiral of depression where I sink in and I can’t seem to find anything positive  because all of that is lost in the past. I hate everything. BYE.

LOL. I will continue. I don’t have a friend to talk to or anyone I love. I am so close to losing my education and a means to support my family. I don’t want anyone else to be close to me. I have decided not to do anything and not to say anything until matters resolves…meaning until everything is ruined… not that anything was ever ok. The sad part is that what I wanted, noone else did. I can’t. Someone just pull the rug or trigger. LOL whatever that phrase is…i dont even know if its a real phrase.

You guys get it right? I am completely mad.

The time has come. Let the chaos begin.

or continue in my case.





Is it really a secret…

So, I’m not a social person relative to most of the people around me at the moment, but I thought that by now I would have picked up a few things. One thing that I apparently am still doing wrong is that I mistake things that come up in a casual conversation as being just that…casual. I don’t know anymore. If I wanted to not tell people about stuff, I wouldn’t…but if I do, I assume they might tell others but it wouldn’t be a big deal since I didn’t begin/end it with “don’t tell anyone”. Maybe I am just bad at reading cues or something. Are they even called cues?
What the heck is wrong with me. I don’t know words. Ugh. Only, sometimes tho.

Also, isn’t it supposed to be a thing with having mutual friends…like if one person told you something, but said they told so and so something before they told you, is it not ok to expand on that conversation? I am so confused. Like, I thought this is why we have mutual friends…the same people who know the same stuff. Is it not? No, it isn’t. AHHHHHH. I’m still learning and I have learned not to say anything to anyone.

You know, maybe its a geographical thing…I need to do research on this. Somebody, give me some insight, please.

Oh, and from now on [just in case], I will employ my childhood go-to gesture of looking at my wrist/watch which ever is present, and walking away when people start to talk to me…about anything. Hold me to it, all you interested readers of mine. BTW, blogging is still a thing right?  Ah. OK I feel kinda better after writing this. Kinda.


Day 19

“Believers are merely those whose hearts feel wary whenever God is mentioned and whose faith increases when His verses are recited to them. On their Lord do they rely. Those who keep up prayer and spend some of what We have provided them with are truly believers” (Quran 8:2-4).

Asmah [RA] related that the Prophet [Peace be upon him] said: Spend, and do not count, lest Allah counts against you. Do not withhold your money, lest Allah withholds from you. Spend what you can. (Bukhari, Muslim)

Abu Huraira [RA] related that the Prophet [Peace be upon him] said: The Lord’s commandment for every one of His slaves is, ‘Spend on others, and I will spend on you’. (Bukhari, Muslim)